Sick and Twisted
by AvalineBrisbois
Summary: In her life, Lucy has learned three things. The loneliest people are the ones who will never leave you, the saddest people can't stand to see you cry, and the most damaged people will try their hardest. Lucy doesn't just cut because she wants to (although that is a reason), she cuts because she needs to. Rated M
1. Chapter 1 - Blood

**Sick and Twisted**

 **Chapter One - Blood**

The razor sliced across her skin cleanly, and Lucy smiled to herself as the blood welled up, spilling out of the cut like water pouring out of a glass. So simple, so easy. She studied her pale arms in the light of the bathroom lamp above. Her pale skin was marred with cuts and scars, some silver and fading, evidence of how long she'd been doing this. Others bright, ugly, and new, evidence that she wasn't strong enough to quit. She watched as the blood slowly dribbled down her arm and dropped into the water.

She'd become accustomed to the feeling of the cold blade on her skin, cutting herself open as if she were both the surgeon and the patient. She even welcomed it, the physical pain took away from the emotional pain. It had become a habit now, even if she wanted to stop, there was no way she could. She got the urge to cut whenever she saw anything that even resembled a razor; a kitchen knife, a sword, etc.

She drew the blade across her skin again, just above the first cut and watched as the blood from the two wounds mixed. Then a third cut and a fourth and fifth. And finally a sixth, just because it felt good. It was an addiction, a dangerous one at that. Lucy had to remember to pace herself, to many cuts at once could lead to a potentially lethal amount of blood loss. She sunk down farther into the tub, letting the water wash her cuts out. She watched as the blood floated in a foggy dance through the water, giving the appearance that the bath water was red.

Lucy put a hand on the wall to steady herself as she rose out of the water. Be careful, she reminded herself. She usually became dizzy after cutting, especially if it was any more than four cuts. She poked the skin around the first one, attempting to estimate the healing time. Maybe a week if she was lucky. The cuts usually weren't deep, these ones were no exception. Each was just enough to break a couple layers of skin. The deepness of her cuts usually depended on the deepness of her pain. Today she didn't feel too offle, but she figured she'd better put the razor away and get dressed before Natsu showed up.

She dropped the razor into the drawer she'd left open and quickly slammed it shut. She dressed quickly. Jeans and a long sleeved blue top.

"Clothing covers the cuts, a brave face covers the pain, and a bunch of lies cover the truth." That was her saying. Maybe she said it because she didn't want to get caught, maybe she said it because she too deep down to be pulled out, or maybe she said it because she wanted someone to care. Either way, it helped Lucy in ways she didn't understand. It helped her continue the self harm, the nasty looks she gave herself in the mirror, the way she would hear this voice sometimes mocking her and instantly knew it was just herself.

"Lucy!" Natsu's voice traveled through the open window and in the blink of an eye he was there, perched on the windowsill like a little cat, waiting for attention. Happy climbed through behind him, grumbling about how long it took to get from the guild to Lucy's apartment, which only strengthened her beliefs that Happy actually didn't like Lucy too much.

"Oh, hey Natsu. Hi Happy." She caught sight of the mirror across the room, noticing the way her sleeve had slipped up revealing one of her most recent cuts. She quickly pulled it down, frowning because she'd forgotten to bandage it. "I'll be right there, just have to use the bathroom."

She slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her quickly. Pulling her sleeve up, she examined the cut. It was still slightly fresh and need something to cover it that wasn't Lucy's sleeve. She dug through her medicine cabinet, looking for bandages. Had she really been dense enough to forget to buy more? Apparently. A crappy hello kitty bandaid would have to do for now, because that was all she had. As she unwrapped it, she sighed at the years of scarring that ran up and down her arms. Cutting was like a one night stand, it was only fun in the act. But afterwards all you felt was shame.

So why did she do it? The cutting…? It was because she was a sick and twisted person with sick and twisted needs.

 **Okay, hate me all you want I promise it gets better. This is probably the lowest low point for Lucy (maybe). But no worries, Natsu's always there to save the day (and his awesome side kick Happy). Plenty of NaLu on the way, so hang tight you guys. And I just have to say, if you're a Lisanna fan, don't worry it's not a Lisanna hate fic. I happen to love Lisanna, just not with Natsu. Like I said, hang tight, it gets better.**

 **-Ava**


	2. Chapter 2 - When I Cut

**If your mind as dark as mine and you made it through the first chapter without being too freaked out. Enjoy my lovlies.**

Lucy, Natsu, and Happy walked to the guild. "Man," said Natsu, "it's been like a week since we've gone on a mission, we really need to step it up."

"Seriously," Happy agreed, clinging to Natsu's shoulder like a leech. "It's like going through withdrawal."

Lucy raised an eyebrow at the cat. "You never even do anything on missions except fly in circles. And Natsu, you're not aloud on missions at the moment. Remember? It's hard to imagine how you managed to get up to my window with that giant thing dragging you down." She glanced down at the cast on his foot, and reached up to adjust the bandage on his head with a pale hand that Natsu swatted away. "You look like a pirate." She decided, before continuing. "Besides, you're still banned from taking missions for the next couple of weeks since you destroyed that town."

Natsu sighed, maneuvering his crutches so he could take another step forward. "Fine, fine. I'm banned, I get it. But if I wasn't banned, I could still fight."

"You can hardly walk Natsu," Lucy said, turning back to look where she was going, "you're not gonna be fighting any time soon."

Natsu didn't say anything else after that. When Lucy looked over at him, she saw that he was glaring at his cast like it was a demon sent from hell. She smiled at his dramatics, and they walked in silence the rest of the way.

The guild was the same as always, the usual bustle, the sound of playful fights breaking out in the background. Mira tended to the bar, Lisanna by her side. Lucy could hear Elfman talking about "being a man" and how manly people were or weren't. Gray, Juvia, and Erza sat at the bar.

Natsu, Lucy and Happy made there way over to the rest of Team Natsu. Erza spotted Natsu and immediately glared. "Well I would say congratulations on another successful mission, but we can hardly call this one successful."

Lucy took a spot next to the redhead. "On the bright side, this month's rent is all taken care of. The reward was so great that there was just enough after repaying the town for the destruction, and the hospital for Natsu's medical bills to use for my rent."

"Ha!" Natsu shouted, setting his crutches against the bar. He took the stool next to Lucy. "I didn't ruin the mission."

Erza's glare didn't soften. "We had to give all the rest of our money to Lucy so she wouldn't have to give up her apartment. The rest of us got nothing."

"Well I didn't ruin the mission for Lucy." Natsu said, crossing his arms in obvious satisfaction.

Lucy giggled. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but it's already noon and I have some shopping to get done before the day's over."

Natsu stood, stumbling slightly as he leaned his weight against the bar for balance. "I'll come with you."

"Aye." Happy chimed in.

"Uh, I'd rather you didn't." The bar was quiet as Natsu looked at Lucy with a tight expression, obvious hurt in his eyes. Lucy winced inwardly, she didn't mean for it to come out like that. "Sorry, that's not what I meant. It's just whenever you come shopping with me I always get what you want. I don't have much money left, I can't get anything for you this time."

"I won't ask for anything this time. Pleeeeaaaase!"

If she said yes she'd get a few extra hours with Natsu, if she said no she'd get to cut tonight…. "Sorry Natsu, maybe another time." Her heart pounded painfully against her rib cage as she turned to leave the guild. She'd basically just chosen a razor over Natsu. The only reason she didn't want him to come was because he always crashed at her place after they did anything together, also she needed to get bandages and didn't need the loud pink haired nuisance asking why she was buying them.

She got home from the supermarket around one. It would've been sooner but she'd had trouble finding everything she needed since they'd recently renovated the place causing everything to be moved around. When she opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside she immediately noticed something wasn't right. It was unbearably cold, which was weird because she always made it a point to keep her place warm so it felt more homey. Also, things had been moved around. Her laundry basket was open, clothes strewn all over the floor and her bed which she'd made that morning was all messed up as if someone had been sleeping in it.

She dropped her grocery bags. Had she been robbed? She walked towards the kitchen, but stopped as soon as she heard a noise coming from inside. It sounded like someone was going through her refrigerator.

"No, there's nothing good here." She heard someone say. She recognized that voice. "Come on, Happy. Let's go raid the bathroom and see if she has anything there." Lucy sighed in relief, it was only Natsu.

"Idiots." She said, stepping into the kitchen. "Nobody is raiding my bathroom. Also, you boys better get your asses into my room and clean up my laundry."

Happy shivered. "God, no. There is no way I'm ever going through your clothes again, I've been scarred for life."

"Yeah, Lucy." Natsu agreed. "I can't believe you actually wear that stuff. What kind of place would you even wear that to."

Lucy's face heated up. "Just go clean it up." She stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door. Thank god they hadn't gotten to the bathroom first, if they had-

"Lucy?" Natsu knocked on the door. "Can we eat your groceries?"

Lucy opened the door. "NO YOU CANNOT EAT MY GROCERIES. I SPENT THE LAST OF MY MONEY ON THOSE GROCERIES, IF YOU EAT THEM, I WILL HAVE YOU CASTRATED."

Happy came up behind Natsu looking horrified. "You would behead Natsu?"

Lucy put a hand on her temple. "That's not what castrate means you stupid cat."

Natsu let out a breath. "Whew, I thought I was in serious danger there."

"Castrate means neuter you dolt!" Lucy said, storming past Natsu.

Natsu made a face and put a hand to his chest dramatically - struggling on account of his crutched - looking deeply offended. "You would take away my right to have children, how barbaric."

"Will you two just get out please?" Lucy said. "Please just go."

Natsu and Happy stopped joking. "Are you okay, Lucy?" Natsu asked.

"Sorry, I'm just tired. You two can stay if you really want, but please don't be loud and don't go through my things. I'm going to take a shower." She grabbed the bag filled with toiletries; soap, toothpaste, her bandages, and disappeared into the bathroom.

"One cut for the way they joke." Lucy whispered to the bathroom wall.

Slice.

"Two for the way my heart beats when I'm around him." The blood was instantly washed away by the pounding water of the shower.

"Three because I can't walk away."

"One more because I've lost the will to live."

"And another just because I love the way the pain feels."

She was addicted to it, it was like a drug. In all Lucy cut eight times. It was normal though. She shouldn't have cut so many times with Natsu and Happy right outside, the loss of blood made her sluggish and exhausted. But that was okay. She just had to bandage them and throw on a shirt.

When she got out of the bathroom she saw that Natsu and Happy were gone. That was generally what she wanted in the first place, but now she felt a hollowness in her chest that made her want to cut again. Five more because they left without saying goodbye? Her skin screamed for more cuts, but her brain told her it was a bad idea. She slid her tongue over her teeth, pondering.

Maybe just a few more.

She rolled up the sleeves of her cotton black shirt and undid the bandages. Grabbing her razor from the drawer, she cut into her skin immediately, taking in that slicing sound that made her smile. She slid down the wall onto the bathroom floor and let the blood drip onto the tile. She wiped a single finger over the slash mark on her wrist. She passed her finger across the floor, letting it stain the white tile red. She didn't know why she enjoyed seeing her blood so much. It made her feel… alive. Like maybe the blood flowing through her veins gave her something to live for.

She kept cutting, kept smearing more blood across the whiteness of the tiled floor until there were entire hand prints around her. Finally, she let her head fall back against the wall. She felt tired….

 **So... yeah. Hope ya'll liked it. Pretty dark but what can you do right? So I've already planned out the next chapter, but if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Please review, because I also love reading your comments and feedback.**

 **-Ava**


	3. Chapter 3 - The Things I Do To Live

She woke up in a collection of her own bloody handprints. She could feel the tear stains from before she'd fallen asleep, still there. She'd cried? She couldn't remember crying - but then again she sometimes cried in her sleep so it could've been that. For awhile, she just sat there, staring at what she'd done, trying to convince herself she wasn't crazy. She could've died. With the amount of times she'd cut she easily could've passed away right there on the bathroom floor, leaving someone from Team Natsu to come clean up the body.

She didn't think about what time it was. She just sat there, her knees pulled up with her hands balanced against them so she could see what she'd done to herself. Once again came that after feeling of sickness. For a minute she thought she might throw up. There were easily twice as many cuts as when she'd exited the shower, possibly more.

Hours passed before she could even form a coherent thought, much less move. When suddenly, "L-Lucy?"

Lucy looked up. Natsu stood in the doorway, his hand poised on the doorknob. His expression was a mask of horror and hurt. He looked almost as sickened as she felt - maybe more.

Natsu tried not to focus on anything. Not the hand prints on the tile floor, or the blood staining Lucy's skin and hair, or the fact that she was so pale Natsu might have thought she were dead if it weren't for the way she looked at him with those big brown eyes. He took in the razor blade on the floor next to her leg, and the cut marks on her arms. Suddenly it dawned on him that he hadn't seen Lucy's arms in a very long time.

His pulse roared in his ears, saying the same thing over and over again. _She's alive, she's alive, she's alive_. His breath was uneven as he stepped backwards so fast he almost tripped over the threshold. He staggered.

"Natsu," Lucy protested, but Natsu was already turning to get as far away from that scene as possible. He felt dizzy as he stumbled, trying his best to avoid crashing into anything as he raced to the door - well as much as he could race on crutches.

Someone grabbed his arm, he turned to see Lucy covered in blood, clinging to him as if to say, _don't go_. "Lucy."

She looked like a zombie in the pale morning light, the usual color in her skin was gone, leaving it a sickening grey, her hair was matted with blood, her expression was one so completely vulnerable and broken that he wasn't sure if this was his Lucy that he was looking at or someone completely different. He looked down at her fingers clenched around his arm. They were darkened with dried blood, so much dried blood. An entire trail made it's way up her arm, showing off her fresh cuts before leading down to her shirt and pants.

"Natsu, I know it looks bad. But-"

"Bad?" He clenched his fists. "Being injured while on a mission is bad, this is just - my god Lucy, who are you?"

The effect was like he'd slapped her. She reeled backwards, her grip going slack on his arm. She swallowed. "It's still me, still Lucy."

Natsu shook his head. "No." He strung his arms through his crutches and did his best to grab her wrists, examining the soft skin on the insides of them. There were older scars and newer scars, and ones so fresh they were still crusted over with blood. "This." he jerked his chin toward her wrists, "isn't you. This isn't the bubbly, smiley, yelling girl I know."

" _Please_." Lucy clung to his shirt. "Don't go. Just sit and talk with me."

Natsu examined her eyes for a second, looking for a trace of the old Lucy, but all he saw was pain. "Okay," he said, "I'll stay."

Lucy let out a breath and Natsu realized she'd fully expected him to leave her there. Let her clean up her own blood, let her go through it alone. "I would never leave you Lucy, you must know that, don't you?"

Lucy was silent for a moment, staring at the floor. She remembered the aimless grins, talking til her ears hurt from listening, smiling until he couldn't, laughing like everything was okay. He was such an idiot, he had no idea she'd been hurt, he had no idea she was close to not living anymore. He was such a freaking idiot and every instinct in her body screamed to push him away."No, no I don't know that."

Natsu let out the sound of a short intake of breath. "Well I wouldn't."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They took seats on opposite sides of the couch. For a minute neither of them talked, they were stuck in an awkward silence that seemed to go on for hours. Tension hung in the air, crushing against Natsu's shoulders like he was holding up a heavy bolder that would crush him if he didn't do something.

"How long have you been doing this to yourself?" He asked quietly.

"A couple months." Lucy answered. She fidgeted with something in her lap and Natsu grimaced as he saw the gleam of a razor. He reached across the gap between them to take it from her. He snatched it up and tucked it into his pocket. "I'll take that, you're going to stop this, do you hear me?"

Lucy nodded softly. "I hear you." Her eyes fell shut. Then in a whisper, "I hear you."

"Why would you do this to yourself. How could you be so cruel to yourself?"

"Stop." Lucy said. "Don't assume things about things you don't understand. Have you ever been so sad, you'd do anything to replace that emotional pain? Have you ever woken up and wondered if anyone would come looking for you if you just stayed in bed forever? Have you ever watched the cars passing by on a road and wanted to jump in front of one just to see if you'd survive, because you don't care either way because your life is just so damn dull?!"

Natsu's eyes were wide as he stared at Lucy's disheveled figure.

"You haven't?" Lucy asked. "That's what I thought. So don't just assume I'm being cruel to myself just because I'm cutting myself open. Haven't you ever thought that maybe people don't cut themselves so they can have one more person in their life who hates them, but because they just want to feel something." Lucy's voice cracked. "I just want to feel like I'm alive Natsu, whether it's by cutting or jumping off an overpass, I just want to feel _something_."

Natsu swallowed. "What do you mean feel something. You don't feel anything? You aren't happy with your life? With me?"

"That's not-" Lucy cut herself off. She blinked once in mystification, before answering. "It's hard to feel happy around you when there's a voice inside my head trying to convince me you hate me just as much as I hate me."

"Lucy…. I don't hate you." Natsu closed the distance between them, and pulled Lucy into a hug. "My god, Luce. I could never-" he cut himself off by burying his face in her blonde hair. She smelled like soap and blood, which was a weird combination. How did he not smell that before. He had the senses of a dragon, but he was so oblivious to Lucy hurting herself, to her sadness, to her pain. How was he supposed to live with himself?

Lucy began to cry, sobbing into his shoulder while he rubbed her back, pulling her closer. He whispered sweet nothings into her ear, hoping to calm her down. "You're nothing but perfect Lucy. And I'm here for you. I'll always be here."

 _You're never here, you're just so oblivious._

 **Seriously? Nobody has any ideas? So disappointing sometimes... Anyway, next chapter's up. I hope you guys liked it even though you didn't seem to like it enough to leave nearly as many comments as you did for the first one... eh, whatever.**

 **-Ava**


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